Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop Presents:

I distinctly recall as a child being told how "perfect" I was, how "smart, clever, cute, funny, sweet, bright..." you name it - I got labeled it.

Does it sound like I am bragging?

I am not. 

It was a curse.  I think I peaked at age eleven.  Seriously.

I was selected in Second Grade to participate in this "experiment" to be in a class of Second and Third Graders - learning in a new hip and cool way.  My Mother put the Ki-bosh on that one...she told the school that developmentally the Second and Third Grader's should not be mixed, presented studies and well... the school dropped the program.

I was always in the high reading group... 
math group...
extra groups, like Great Books and geeky science classes.

I was a Girl Scout and my Mother pushed me to earn MANY MANY badges and Cookie Seller Awards. 
I wanted not all her fault. 

Besides swimming lessons in the summer my Mother took us to The Star-Tribune, The Federal Reserve, museum's and enrolled us in summer art programs where we drank papaya juice and ate carob-chip cookies.  I even took summer school classes for FUN!

I also went to Debate Camp and Norwegian Camp...and yes, Band Camp.  Norwegian Camp was the MOST twisted. 

Don't get me wrong.  I loved it.

Every second of every thing - making new friends everywhere I went.

I spent a year in Norway as an exchange student and even there I excelled at blending in...seriously, people thought I was Norwegian - or the very least, Danish. 

What this did to me is make me EXPECT more from myself.  If I failed at something (or was not in the Top Ten Best!)- ANYTHING - I felt worthless.  Sometimes I still do...

I feel like I let myself down a lot. 

The BIGGEST reason I feel that way right now is that I do not have the job I want by a long shot. 

I expected that by the time I finished my degree online at Capella University I would have a much better sales position - higher base salary, higher commission potential, larger company - perhaps. 
I mean that B.S. degree should have opened doors, but it came too late. 

March 2010?  Who the heck is hiring?

However my career started its slide down the drain before the degree was complete after accepting
ONE STUPID JOB at one very large company that dismissed me because my boss went to work for the competition so they set about systematically dismantling his team. 
Seriously I was the second let go and the first girl who "resigned" actually had made quota - and was setup to do it again. 
I was over 80% to annual quota in APRIL!  Gone in June...

I took the best job available of the three I was offered after that...and let's just say it was not only a huge pay cut, but I was flat out lied to about the potential. 

So here I sit.  Depressed quite often. 

I LOATHE the questions, "How is work going?" and  "What do you do for a living?" because my answer is that I don't want to talk about just makes me cry. 

Recently my company was purchased and I am praying this helps me change my mind about my work.  It hasn't done much yet to instill any confidence that I am at all important, or wanted, so I am not holding my breath just yet...

But I hope and I dream....

I try to remember my achievements and potential...

That I have a GREAT family who loves me...

...and I buy Powerball Tickets.


MJ Rodriguez said...

it sounds very sad at the moment but i'm sure things will pick up and turn better.

negativity has that ability to kinda sap your energy so first thing would be to either snap out of the negative loop or get out of it.

that brilliant young girl is somewhere deep inside of you. you just need to wake her.

i think you know that a lot of other good things are going for you.

Slamdunk said...

That sounds like a difficult situation and I hope with the new owners, the company will offer you better opportunities.

Blue Moon Girl said...

Having people expect a lot of you and expecting a lot of yourself is such a drain on you. I empathize. I remember my first B caused me to have a panic attack. The pressure is too much. As you said, the really awful part is that it's mostly self pressure.

I'm learning to breathe, to let go of what I can't control. I can do this to the best of my abilities and that's good enough. I can only do what I can do.

I hope things turn around for you soon. Or that you win Powerball! (after me of course!)

Anonymous said...

That "failure" feeling sucks.

I sure hope this job transition helps you out... if not the economy has to turn around at some point... right???

If it helps I have a B.S. in Early Childhood and I'm a Receptionist at a Veterinary Hospital.

CrazyLittleB_tch said...

I too, have learned to hate the word "potential"
I was "supposed" to amount to so much.
I have an IQ of 142, and I use it to blog.

MommyLisa said...

I really should not be so crabby - I know people who would KILL to have a job, any job.

I know my life is generally good - I just feel I had not met my potential...

Maybe I can be the Grandma Moses of the literary world one day? You think?

Thanks for all the kind comments and commiseration.

sprinkles said...

We had very different childhoods. I grew up being told I was ugly, stupid, no one would ever love me, etc.

I feel for ya on the whole job thing. I interviewed for a job yeterday and was told that I didn't have the qualifications they were looking for so I wouldn't the moving on to the second round of interviews. WTH? I had all the qualifications they listed in the job posting so I don't know what else they were looking for.

My mom seems to think that I sit around watching tv and eating bon bons all day which is soooooooo not true! The economy is bad, bad, bad right now.

I volunteer to hand out food each week and all the food is donated to us. We aren't getting as many donations anymore but we're getting more and more people coming in each week. Sad! Some of those people I have no doubt are lazy. Others though, I suspect are in the same situation I'm in - they just cannot catch a break!

I hope something better will come along for you or that the new company will be better.

You're good at math? I may come bothering you every other day for help then once I get into school!

lisahgolden said...

I wrestle with that much rumored potential. And while I need a job, I hear you - any job isn't enough. In these times, we're led to believe you have to be happy with anything you can get. That kind of thinking is poisonous.

I'm hoping that things improve for you with this new company purchase.

lisahgolden said...

I wrestle with that much rumored potential. And while I need a job, I hear you - any job isn't enough. In these times, we're led to believe you have to be happy with anything you can get. That kind of thinking is poisonous.

I'm hoping that things improve for you with this new company purchase.

Holly Lefevre said...

I love the honesty of this post. I really feel it and relate to it in many ways. I hope things start looking up for you and the job!

Sandra said...

Oh gawd, I always ALWAYS wonder what I'm doing or saying to my kids that will make them grow up and vow to do things differently...I'm trying to think of that experience with my own parents, and so far all I can think up is that they didn't buy me enough stuff...
Great post and really is making me think!

Michelle said...

I know it sounds cliche, but every cloud has a silver lining. Maybe your company being taken over will bring you an excellent new position or a pay raise, or some new opportunity somewhere else.

Hopefully things will look up for you, and for the rest of us. Times are so hard right now for everyone - I never thought I would see our country and our world in such a state - but on the bright side, I have seen some really inspiring people out there in the world who are ready to lend a hand or give a word of encouragement to their fellow human being. It's really a beautiful thing.

Michelle at ;)

Cori said...

Sounds just like me...I'm that "perfect" person to everyone. It's scary to live up to that title. Especially when I know that I am not perfect and yet feel the need to appear perfect!!

Marla said...

Well dang it, girlfriend, I knw just how you feel. I'm gonna tell you the same thing I have been telling myself daily. Just stay in the boat. You'll get to the other side eventually.

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